i was going to start this rant with ‘if you read this’ but i quickly realised the potential pseudo-oxymoronism and decided to comment on the realisation that i just had about not writing it, which leaves me in a predicament.
Do i forego tense for pleasure? no lamb never cared for tense, however i do for pleasure and it’s been pleasure, and its relationship with this blog, that has been plaguing my thoughts for a while now but i had a delightful realisation over the weekend and in one fell swoop actioned flipmode..
As i was about to say, shortly after i realised i shouldn’t say it that way, is that my desire for this blog is to be a time-capsule of brain farts, not because i want a literal recount of my life- thats what i have photos for- but because i want this to provide an emotionally introspective log to my general mental state at the time of writing.
A sanity log? perhaps, but mostly just an elaborate way of jotting down feelings/emotions for post pleasure and insight. i feel auto-writing allows for greater influence of subconscious thus stamping this literary nonsense with emotion
perhaps i’m justifying this direction because i know that over thinking this blog is a problem and the best bit about it is that it doesn’t matter..
perhaps i need to ignore/remove the public access to this blog in order for it to become what i truly intend it to be.
perhaps i’m too comfortable in my lifestyle yet accept stagnation in order to avoid change
perhaps the lifestyle i’ve led over the last years has been such a whirlwind rad time of travel, adventure and goal attainment that i’ve grown scared of not having it and its paralysing me!!
perhaps i just hit the nail on the head with that blind swing into my subconscious, lets hope its properly hammered because thats bullshit and the stupidest thing i’ve ever thought.. feck, that hurts.
i just need to get back to my instantaneous thinking and spontaneous doing. It’s been the framework for my entire ethos and i’m letting responsibility and concern misdirect me.
I have no actual problems but i’m struck by contradiction.. on one hand i deleted my personal facebook a year ago because of the lack of distinction between the real world and the facade of personality that social media grants ones self and on the other i have this furiously introspective journal of self. i think its fine though, perhaps even ideal
i just seem to get kicks out of introspection so perhaps i need to start a new blog, a properly personal blog so i can speak absolute nonsense and expand my psychoanalytical funtimes.
my worst nightmare is having spiders in my hair
from early days of my first musical true love [Yoni Wolf]
