i thought literally signing off from the chaos epoch was going to bring a resounding level of calm to my non-literal (what occurs off this blog) life but really all it seems to have achieved is a slight change to my vernacular, which I’m all about so that is in part sweet. And I think its worth noting that chaos isn’t a bad, its something im all about – mostly existing within it and still finding calm, dichotomy surfing. But riding those wave were only recently clarified, mostly in a single completely unrelated, sentence by Mary when she said that I’m always dabbling in crisis mode. Its true and now im just trying to figure out if that is a huge issue – mainly because I think crises are probably what motivate me to do anything. Like, deep down im super fkn lazy and verrrrry content just pottering around the house, but those traits aren’t overly conducive to achieving the lofty desires I have for contentedness and excitement… I’m doing fine, the number of actual crises in my life is zero (maybe therein lies the problem), but everything is a crisis when I colour things with urgency or restlessness <- my favourites. Im under the impression my manner could be presented like a bell curve between everything being fine and everything being a crisis, as in most of my time is spent somewhere in the middle – but really I think it’s opposite, my balance is achieved by living at the ends, for eg, recently ive been having a crisis about how fine I am with everything being good and that I can just chill and enjoy myself. Im going to stop talking about this as ive not stewed on it enough.
So ive stewed (days) but that only really added to the complexity of the existential flavour sensation that is this. I stewed in the bath tub (hit the wall with covid 1.5 weeks ago so I’ve had ample bathing time) and then I stewed about it in the pool after covid, then I went for an extreme snorkel the following day – where I stewed at pressure and then again this afternoon, also in the pool. Plz excuse me, there has been some dryland stewing too, for eg, that extreme snorkel was part of a drive-n-dive through the gc hinterlands on the way home, visiting some of the spots out there I find extra special – most of which were gone, but that’s not a problem as they exist untarnished in memory (and photos) and the memories of them are more enriching than them simply existing still, they’ve been martyred into the membank thanks to the purity of youth’s bliss. The photos in this rant are from that dive and drive.
Here I am, under the impression I’ve stewed amply about my passion of the crisis and how im actually fine and I guess therefore im starting to think I revel in the crises for the sake of them – im also starting to think this may be one of these things that will exist in perpetuity, or at least until I forget them, or until some implantation of some freedom wig. I outlined one aspect of ‘the sake of it’ earlier in this rant (getting shit done) but im not convinced on that one, im not at all sure its idiosyncratic either, but ive not spoken to enough of the right ppl yet. Part of me thinks it stems from the intrigue epoch, where we spent years exploring the idea of intrigue – which for me revolved mostly around pondering wild shit through intense abstraction concerned with aspects of general life (human or otherwise) that seemed the most irrelevant to one another, with zero goal in truly understanding if/what a relationship between those things existed/was but more so to consider that there is obviously a change that things tread that reality daily and how insane that experience must be – not just humans but natural and built things.
That shaped how I understand bias and that period of extensive experientialism that greatly deepened my understanding of bias, because I deemed the ‘line’ between the unrelated to be directed strictly by bias. Bias being perhaps the root of my tending to crises. I’m starting to think I am biased towards chaos perhaps resulting from my experiences in life, maybe the emotional cost of being forced to engage with the societal rhetoric that we’re all totally fkd and are already fkd but just realizing it, orr our fkedness is something demanded by the human experience. I’m also wondering how much of that bias is unconscious and if I can become conscious of that stuff so I can then pinpoint what it is that I need to forget in order to shed myself of non-critical crises.
west from one of the places people hang-glide etc from
But, it could just be that I’m in an actual state of crisis and empowering my denial through the very thought patterns I was outlining before about the intrigue epoch and suggesting that some mostly unconscious cognition (bias) isn’t working as I’d like it to. I got a migraine this week and im pretty certain my trigger is stress, but its hard to gauge. So yeh, to make a reckless simplification I’d bet that im in a certain and temporary state of crisis arising from the stress associated with the adjustments of single life after 7 years in a mutually codependent relationship and trying to grapple with the fact that I can’t defer responsibility of my existence and decisions therein on someone else.
I like that theory because it’s neatly packaged into a lil thing. I feel I have a better chance at deconstructing something like that than I do the very nature of bias. I mean, how can I possibly deconstruct bias when its impossible to create any sort of idea about anything without bias. Without bias I’d just be thinking about everything all the time in as many ways as I possibly could – that sounds like a real crisis.
some range, maybe
On a side note, I recently put 12tbs worth of drive space on my new computer and soon should have access to every photo I’ve ever taken at half a gb/second so that’s gonna wild, I’ve basically only ever accessed my photos off of external harddrives which blowssss. Unfortunately all of my externals are formatted for mac and the convoluted process of getting onto this here computer is taking ~12hrs per tb so this is gonna take a while, but also very exciting.
colour for reality’s sake