crossroads in calamityville

heal street, new farm, aus.

its crossroads time for Jacob and no this isn’t about chaos because im sure each and every route is riddle with appropriately ample chaos, what im chasing now is bedlam. the difference? nothing other than my desire to cease using the word chaos on here henceforth because i feel that it now carries some sort of epochal implication relating to the qualmfest that was 2022.  the crossroad is probs a product of returning to Aus, finding my feet and now beginning to settle – something i struggle with because i think to settle requires some kind of long term plan and i think long term planning is mostly an exercise in futility because anything could/can/does happen right this very instant, most commonly relating to my own mind, as in, do i even want to do X anymore, or I just learnt/experienced Y yesterday and now it’s all I want to do forever. i think thats also somewhat a product of where i am at in life and the biologically imposed ultimatum around the decision re kids.

I don’t think its for me, im sure i’d enjoy parts of it and loath others, but to be true to my self:  i do love self induced calamity so long as it’s avoiding all pre-conceivable collateral calamity. I think the single most important thing re grombats is consistency and im not at all into that, except in the quality of my espresso. the main thing i find challenging is I feel like im totally on my own in terms of getting insight from ppls experience because regret and social conformity are strong in humans… i just gotta make that decision on my own, which is fkd cuz i cant have kids on my own (without adoption, probably the right thing for most of us) and that notion has always been central to my decision around – as in i’d planned to basically let my spouse make that decision for us, which seems reckless but im into that shit, calamityville.

san juan river, port renfrew, bc, canada.

realistically i think it boils down to the freedom to not feel obligated by anything other than my own desire to be obligated, and i’ve had self-imposed obligations i dont like, its not that i’m obligation adverse, i guess its more being in charge of the qualms, for eg i was having a hard time in Canada, i moved, im frothing – Canada wasn’t the issue, but voila, im swimming in it (froth). i moved home a month ago and i have no plan to leave but if i do then i already know where to (brazil, or indo {finally}) and as i said i’ve zero intentions to do so, but for some reason that makes me more content with being where i am now (just the pure ability to chase that).  In Canada when I switched from an open work permit to a sponsored visa, a position where my ability to reside there was fixed to a single employer, i immediately felt trapped.  basically i just need to shriek yeows at all vocally acquirable mediums and disregard all adversaries to such glory.

monterrey bay, ca, usa.

I think a lot of every thing boils down to my relationship with everything, a simple interaction probably and this crossroad i speak of i believe mostly refers to a decision i need to make about me making decisions about life in general.  simple because it seems like i have this idea i have some control over my decisions, by way of “decision making” but the need to decide is a product of something thrust upon me, even if the thruster is my self, im not just out there making decisions about nothing, because of no trigger… i control very little it seems, im pretty sure the idea that my gut flora are actively making decisions is certainly the case, my knee tendons absolutely decide how much riding im going to do, my need for shelter decides whether i work or dont, the only outlier are things that my brain decides, like being content. i used to have great conviction in decisions like that, but as ive passed through more junctions in life the uncertainty only stacks up and with more questions about what could’ve been the certainty can only dilute unless you’ve extreme prowess relating to delusion. I’m not suggesting anything relating to looing back on every decision/crossroad, im simply referring to the idea that i know there are possibilities beyond what i have and will experience.  to be clear, i’m in no state of regret, i guess im referring to fomo.

side of the highway somewhere, mary valley, qld, aus.

It’s time to decide. im not doing it while writing this, but that would be sweet. what im going to decide is how deep i commit to the self vs. how deep i commit to the planet vs how deep i commit to others. there’s some sort of pie-chart there for sure but in the past i’d just 3rds it and move on to the next qualm, greatly bolstered by my addiction to being stoned, but now that im careening towards qualm-free-living, and not smoking weed anymore/crutch-living, i’ve realised i can make all the calls i need and the call that needs to be made is whats most important: selfishiness vs unselfishness – as in, do i prioritise my control over bliss or do i put that in someone else’s hands? most of my motivation for the latter is very vague (probs only baby making), but for the sake of saying something more: because i feel somewhat indebted to imaginary things, pleasing people and fomo.  my motivation for the prior (selfishness) is much less vague: fkn great times, not placing myself in a position where i feel responsible for the wellbeing of someone and the freedom to listen to all the other things inside me that are trying to make decisions, in lieu of the brain.

trasalpina, parâng mountains, romania.

since when did my brain get to decide it gets to do all of the deciding.

mooball, nsw, aus.


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