i was planning on ranting about the scenario surrounding my phone, its camera and the ensuing dilemma but in that process i came upon a quandary thats now a serious fkn predicament. photos are something i enjoy taking, as is perhaps clear, i do like writing too (and some other things) but the photo thing is moist relevant to this rant in that im now in a compromised position between my love of photos and that the last 6 of years of them have been almost exclusively including Mary in some way or another and to go through any of my photos is to just dive headfirst into the abyss – we’re pals but still. on the other hand i’ve always grappled with editing photos generally, let alone in a timely manner but now that im back in Australia I figure that boat has sailed on the last 4 years of photos (canada) from a purely journalistic perspective, on the third hand i figure the longer i wait the less i recall so perhaps the rediscovery of those old images will be fun, but the mary-related qualms will still probably exist. so perhaps the editing canada era photos is a bandaid pulled immedio type scenario. which im fine with, but i have negative spare time, so really this is all shit i dont need to concern myself with probs.
hiking one of the north shore main ones, seymour im pretty sure – with liam and phillip <3. we made our own way.
but fk am i concerned, concerned because im looking for an excuse to buy a new camera, a tiny one (cuz they’re all tiny these days) but to do so i should probably sell my old one, the huge one, like 5x heavier than the one im looking at. the excuse being that getting a new camera would create a photographical epoch whereby i can basically box up the photos from the mary epoch and store them away for later. but selling my big one would be to part ways with the most epic contraption/machine ive ever laid hands on and the end of the photographic era that i operated in as a professional (prism inclusive digital) so im qualmed. the reality is for 6 years of being pro i thought owning the best camera money could buy would be sweet, but tbh i felt like a wanker walking around taking happy snaps with 12k worth of camera, which was the opposite of what i was expecting up until i bought the thing. now i just want the smallest thing i can put a lens on (that can see in the dark and do the job, if i get asked to do that again).
probs the most canadian picture i took in my years up there
i think what i really need to do is just work less, or get into better habits etc, i dont fkn know, i feel like ive always gotta do something, i’ve not had no work to do a since like 2012. its wild, i only thought about it recently – since photos became my only job i always had photos to edit, when i started building and managing web in a freelance capacity i always had projects to do (and photos to edit) – for over a decade there’s always been some form of work outstanding, to be done on my own time. its the nature of the work i suppose, but i’d be behind deadlines etc if i just did 9-5. what even is fkn 9-5. what is even. my buddy chad told me im having a existential work crisis, and he’s right, im also forehead deep in existentialism in general and the rate of doing what i mentioned above is a crisis. its funny though… i definitely feel great, and im spending a lot of time on the things i really want to (diving, swimming – not riding yet, maybe in 6 months) and work is fine i guess (as much as it needs to be). i dived two days ago, had a glorious weekend in toowoombra with my bro and got to whip the new car around the ranges and im going hunting this weekend in a x thousand acre private high fence, so really im probably just wigging, actually im probably just tired and jacked up on coffee as a means to remedying my lack of sleep (this is a perpetual thing, the tired x coffee – but im winding down my basket size as i speak and looking to get onto belissimo decaf {assuming it doesn’t taste like garbage, but im sure it’ll be better than the aldi beans i got at this very moment}) maybe i should buy some pharma grade speed and liquify myself into a work machine..
one of the gulf islands in the salish sea – SW BC – wind swept pines and seaside junipers will never be forgotten
but that idea is a fkn sin, if im gonna be pharma-partying i wanna be doing something fun, like dh mountain biking. i can work on prescribed uppers when im older, what i cant do when im older is be young and make use of it, also i reckon when im old there’ll be a universal basic income (or society will have collapsed etc).. so either way forget it. ive been thinking about remapping the plan i had before knees exploded but in aus – get a caravan and have a sick fkn time. i think i should wait to see if my knees recover, cuz riding was a key part, buttt really all i want to do is chill and then ride. but if the knees are foreverfucked than im gonna paddle forever. i could yak myself some great distances, and hunt off it, and camp from it, and just fkn prreeeaaacch. pop a star link satellite in a dry bag, i’ll be larfen.
how do i live there
last time i ranted i went deep into considerations relating to childom.. it’s practically a complete forget now, ive got kayak camping to do. if i feel the need to live vicariously ill adopt and revel in it’s supreme ethical reward. i dont know if im narcissistic enough to really need to raise something with my genes in it (im not totally serious in suggesting narcissism is what drives baby making), ive raised animals and love them. and if the grommet ends up being shit then i have someone else’s genetics to blame, right? wow… but yeah, preach{!?}
josh greentree – bc
pragmatically speaking i think i just need to liberate my self, it owes nothing to anyone but me and ive spent a lot of time shackled to ideas that i didn’t/don’t totally agree with. its wild, i’ve been there before (a free self), it was an unfathomable peak, hindsight can barely grapple with its level. but the thing im really grappling with now is mumma and her gift of creating the entire universe. i feel this sense of guilt for the blessed position i am in. i think i used to think that having a child would alleviate that guilt but ive realised there were only really 2 things that actually drew me to fatherhood – the assumption/acceptance that my partner would need one and my mumma getting that grandmumma status – i have 2 siblings, so its not entirely my responsibility etc, its also probably crazy to think its a reponsibility. so now i have to figure out how to deal with this guilt and mumma and not having kids – but tbh im not sure i wont have kids, im not sure of anything, it could definitely happen, but the idea of it not happening has been making my life better, and this hurdle i have with the guilt is getting closer.
bow falls
